7 People You Have to Deal With When You Decide to Get Married

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You’re getting married – congratulations! Get ready for your family to double both in size and weirdness. This list highlights seven of your new family members you can expect to see at all future holidays – whether you want to or not.

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The Mother in Law

Whenever you marry someone’s child, especially if it’s their son, you’re going to feel the heat from their Mom. Dealing with this type of mother in law mainly consists of agreeing upon how special, handsome and successful her son is and how lucky you are to have him. It will also involve trying to ignore the uncomfortable frequency with which she touches him and, of course, apologizing for taking him away from her forever. You may never be able to get on her good side, but avoiding her bad side is highly recommended.

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The Father in Law

Marrying “Daddy’s Little Girl” requires that you walk a rather fine line of lighthearted fun and respect. Mention of a gun collection, excessive beer drinking and awkward conversations about her hot friends are all to be expected. Laughing at his jokes, which will likely cover a vast range of inappropriate topics, is also a requirement of dealing with this individual. As long as you can keep up, once you’re in with this guy, you can relax and probably have a lot of fun together. But don’t you ever hurt her or he will kill you.

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The ‘Baby’

No, not a real baby, but the “baby” of the family: the youngest sibling who somehow still gets to act like a brat even at age 30. Whether it’s their self-declared “Princess” of a younger sister giving you the elevator eyes (not in the good way) or their beer pong playing younger brother who never seems to grow up (or move out), younger sibling in-law come in all types – the good, the bad, and the ugly – but don’t ever say that last one out loud.

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Psychedelic Aunt

She is able to see your aura and lucky for you, it’s purple — just like her favorite color. The psychedelic Aunt is generally pretty harmless and is mainly there to give you something to smile and nod along to at family events. You don’t have to believe that the moon landing was faked, but you do have to listen to the many reasons why it so obviously was. As long as you don’t agree to head out to her horse farm for any crystal healing sessions, you might actually appreciate this addition to your family.

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Drunk Uncle

If he’s made it to Saturday Night Live, you can guess that there’s a pretty solid chance he’s gonna be at Thanksgiving. A good source of distraction for any newlywed, your spouse’s drunk uncle (or “Drunkle”) is a great person to spend time with. Don’t tell him any of your opinions or you’ll risk him yelling them out to fill an awkward silence at the dinner table and calling for you back him up. (“Steve didn’t like the casserole either!”)

Don’t try to keep up with him, either. He’s been drinkin’ whiskey since the day you were born!

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Close Talking Nana

She’s super small, super sweet and wants to make sure you’re listening. The close talking Nana is a somewhat more comfortable alternative to the deaf, loud talking granny, as long as you don’t value your personal space. Over time you will get over the self-consciousness of breathing, and likely spitting, on this sweet old soul while you try to explain your job to her for the seventeenth time. And don’t worry, if you accidentally exit the appropriate realm of closeness, this nana will be sure to grab your wrist and pull you right back in.

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Judgmental Older Sis’

She’s already been there, done that and can tell you exactly how she did it – the right way. She’s been over it since before you even got started, and trying to impress her is useless. The judgmental older Sis’ can be a tough, fairly traded organic nut to crack. As long as you avoid telling her you don’t know what quinoa is and stick with topics like how you could only dream of having a family as perfect as hers, you might gain her approval. Telling her that she looks like the younger one doesn’t hurt either.

Jun 1, 2015