The Underwear Fairy, and 8 Other Things You Never Thought You’d Say Before You Had Kids

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You had it all figured out. You would breastfeed your baby, use only cloth diapers, make your own baby food from organic products and never, never spank, bribe or say any of the silly things your parents said to you. Okay, maybe that was my list of mommy goals, but we all have it in our minds that we’re going to do a much better job of this parenting thing than the previous generation, and so we make a similar list of things we will and won’t do with our kids. My list started to fray around the edges about 6 months after the birth of my second boy.

Don't-Slap-Your-Cheesepurplequeue / Shutterstock

Don’t Slap Your Cheese!

Did that just come out of my mouth? It did. I confess I did utter those words once. Small children are learning every day and the nuances of table manners aren’t always quickly learned. Before venturing out for a restaurant meal with the in-laws, you’ll want to reinforce the importance of sitting still, using their indoor voice, no whining and definitely no abuse of sliced dairy products.

I-Have-the-Easter-Bunny's-Phone-NumberEugenio Marongiu / Shutterstock
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I Have the Easter Bunny’s Phone Number

I have Santa Claus’ and the Tooth Fairy on speed dial too. Once or twice, I threatened to make a phone call about misbehaving children. Sorry kids, Mom has told a few untruths over the years, it would seem.

Pampers,-PleaseOksana Kuzmina / Shutterstock
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Pampers, Please

What kind of inconsiderate, Earth-destroying jerk litters the planet with paper diapers? Me, that’s who. When I gave birth to my first child, we lived in an apartment above a shop along a busy street and had no laundry facilities. Undaunted, I phoned up several diaper services and spent a hormonal afternoon crying my eyes out when I was told they didn’t deliver to my area due to lack of parking spaces for the truck. I dried my eyes and carried on. My child’s planet was at stake, after all, and I was eventually rewarded with a service that would come.

My next hurdle, six months later, was finding a day care provider who would agree to work with cloth diapers. I finally gave up after I had a second son 15 months after the first. We moved to a townhouse and purchased a washer and dryer, which was wonderful, but after months of washing diapers for two babies (one of which had constant diaper rash) and nightly soaked beds and pajamas, I threw in the towel… and the diapers. Please forgive me, little blue planet.

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